Value

One of the greatest courses I have ever taken was a Life Coaching class at OPT, know OPEX. My highest values lay in education, helping others, and wellness.The past week I have been working back through all my notes and redoing my lists on values and I still come up with the same things.

All my life I have been given what I have wanted, I never heard the word “No” growing up and still today I can go and ask my dad and he will give me what I want. While this is a blessing it is also a curse. As he rolls into retirement, I am forced to finally stand on my own two feet. I am so thankful I have a good paying job, but how do I budget for the things I need now and not the things I want. I want a coach at OPEX but do I need a coach?! I have been struggling back and forth all week.

I know what I value the most are the places my money goes and where I will spend my money. But, it is hard and stressful and I find myself trying to stay afloat and not fall back into that deep dark hole I was in about this time last year. I am so scared because I see my life headed down that dark place….how do I ask for help, who can I talk to that isn’t going to judge me and tell me I am crazy.

Last night I found things I used in the past to physically hurt myself, while I know this was in the past it was still a very real reminder of the challenges I faced. The past is the past and I am thankful I value my own life much more than I did then. It scares me at time because I find myself in a dark spot lately–treading water to stay afloat–fighting the cowardly ways I used to thrive in. I am stronger today and I thrive in a strong light and desire to be a warrior, not a coward.

While my list of my values did stay the same for the most part. What was left off is my family. I value them, but they aren’t the highest of my values. My mom and dad are the ones I value the most as my siblings and extended family I never hear from and we just aren’t close. I’ve always wanted that big family that is close and we do life together, but it isn’t in my reality.

While my values are what makes me the incredible gal I am today, I find myself learning to live fully to those values. While I know there will be tough days and weeks ahead, learning to make sacrifices will be what makes me stronger than the day before.