The other day when I had dinner with a friend I noticed she had a bracelet that said, “Let your faith be bigger than your fear.” Whatever your faith may be I often see words or phrases that I need at the correct time. While I’ve grown up in the church I don’t believe we have to go to church every week to be closer to God. I do believe that I need to be fed by God though in order to face my fears.
At times I see my fears overcoming my faith. The past few years I’ve developed such anxiety over the littlest things. Where I used to be queen social bee I find myself hiding in my home and having fears about going into crowds or unknown places. I used to love to travel and do weekends away but at times I have such fear and anxiety that I literally make myself sick. I find myself putting up walls and not letting others get close enough to see my real hurts and fears.
As I continue working with my doctor and piecing together pieces of my disfunctioning body, I see how cruel the body can be and how it is based on science so much. It looks as if I have Hashimoto Disease and as I research and learn I discover all these things that I thought were making me crazy is just the shit storm going on inside my body. As I’ve been reaching the point of brokenness I find hope that the road to wellness may be “on the other side of the hill” as my dad would say. I’m so mad at my innards I workout, eat healthy and it is just giving up.
Because as much as I’d like I can’t live in yoga pants forever, I had to buy bigger clothes again. This weekend it’s like my soul and I were having a battle–give in or fight. I don’t want to give in, I just keep telling myself I am strong and this too shall pass. My life is like a boxing match, I get knocked down or out and in time I come back stronger and braver than before.
I will fight this fight and I will be stronger for it!